This Week's TV Peeves

Things on the Telly-vision That Are Making Me Nutso:

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1. Survivor
One more game involving clay targets, and I may go mental. Yeah, I understand about preserving your brand, staying true to your format. But come on. Guys. We're lapsing into unconsciousness over here. I dare you - shock me. Invent a game using things we've never seen. Snakes, bondage gear, pineapples... I'm not fussy. And here's a tip - challenges requiring upper body strength are going to be won by men. I'm just saying.

2. America's Next Top Model
The last two weeks of this show have been responsible for more teeth-grinding and shrieking in my house than a whole season of Deal or No Deal. What happened to the usual perky, positive, girl-power message of ANTM? To wit:

a) Whose idea was it to have the girls cruelly critiqued by an 'agent' (later revealed as an actor) to see if they could handle themselves under pressure? It was cringe-ingly, crushingly awful - a transcript of the internal monologue we feed girls on a daily basis. You're too mannish, your nose is too big, your skin is awful... Whaddup with that, ANTM? How is this EVEN REMOTELY USEFUL for your viewers? Unless your Evil Master Plan is to make all gals feel so bad about themselves that they become a captive, Stepford-like audience, lulled into passivity by Tyra and her fierceness and her increasingly alarming hairstyles. In that case, you may be onto the right track.

b) Danielle's teeth. Oh mon dieu. This one had me howling at the television. Leave the girl alone, for god's sake! She's adorable! Her gap is SEXY! She is totally comfortable with herself, but instead of celebrating this refreshing fact, you're going to strong-arm her into dental work. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Sadly, neither Danielle, nor any of the judges, nor Nasty Tyra could seem to see the distinction between a refusal to cut one's hair (ref. a fistful of previous seasons) and a lack of enthusiasm for permanently altering one's charming signature smile. This, despite Tyra's informing us ad nauseum of her own peculiarities (the large forehead, the lightbulb head) and how she turned them into assets. Apparently, this is only a technique for Tyra - everyone else goes straight under the knife. The whole issue made me loathe Tyra and the producers with a special kind of ferocity. Had I a catwalk, I would have slayed them with my fierceness.

3. Prison Break
Here's what I have discovered about this show: prisoners are interesting. You know what's not so interesting? Conspiracy plots involving the government, special agents with guns, and lawyers trying to accumulate evidence. I can get all that an hour later on 24. Less of the intrigue, and more of Michael tongue-diving the doctor. Are you listening, Fox? Good.

4. The Apprentice
One Trump child - good. Two Trump children - creepy.

5. ABC
Any more screwing around with the Lost schedule, and I'm pulling out the big guns. I mean it. Just stop it. Put new episodes on. Behave yourselves. Because I've got a slingshot and some clay targets, and I'm not afraid to use them.