Meet the cast: Survivor!

I'm not sure how to feel when a network introduces me to the members of a show. Pleased? Excited? Do I use the good china? Serve finger food? Is it worth dressing up?

Today is the first installment of "Meet the Cast!", a series where I'll trawl through reality show websites and gossip about the contestants. (Yes, I'm playing right into those greedy little networky hands.) The really good news: because we're embarking on this journey before the shows start, all my conjecture will be totally shallow, based entirely on pictures and those snappy little bios that the website people write. Excellent! After all, snide shallow conjecture is what reality TV is all about!

First out of the gate: CBS's Survivor. Feel free to open up that link and refer to it as a study aid. Oh, and if you're not interested in idle, uninformed speculation that could turn out to be spoiler-ish if I make good guesses, please do not read on.

Heh heh. I'm hoping that using bold type just there made me sound more knowledgable and insightful than I am.

Ah, the Survivor cast. What a perfect way to showcase the diversity that is America, an ethnic melting pot of - no, I'm just kidding. Do African-Americans, Latinos and Asians just not audition for this show? Though I guess I shouldn't make sweeping generalisations based on the group shot. It could be that some people are of mixed heritage. And maybe they're just all lit really... white.

Nor should I go on and on about the retarded Q&A section each contestant gets to fill in, which includes such interesting information as favourite colour, board game, and cereal. (I feel like I'm in grade eight: "so, um, what music do you like?") And I'll bite my tongue about the allegations that Survivor has cast directly from modelling agencies (allegations denied by Survivor staff). I will note, however, that a surplus of attractive, bland contestants has seen each season grow more dull. A bunch of people who look like pretty actors? WHERE ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY SEE THAT? Nothin' against models, you understand - it's a job like any other. Sort of. However, they've already got their own reality show - no need to be greedy! Survivor's strength has always been in showcasing more ordinary eccentrics, megalomaniacs and lunatics.

But I digress. Let's meet our contestants:

• Amy is a Police Sergeant who used to play pro football. She gets big points for not listing Survivor as one of her favourite TV shows.
• Blake is a MODEL. Oh, and a real estate broker. Hobbies include hunting and kissing. Nuff said.
• Brandon is a farmer/rancher. I'm not sure why one needs to list both occupations. Perhaps he's scrupulously honest. He likes "mud bogging". I don't know what that is, but it sounds rural.
• Brian is a student. An Ivy League student. He lists 'orchid' as his favourite flower, describes himself as 'sarcastic', and was yearbook editor at his high school. What's that sound? Could it be my gaydar going off?
• Brianna is a make-up artist with no fave cookies, candy or alcoholic drinks. Let's hope her personality compensates for this lack of decisiveness. Or is it a sign of religious purity?
• Brooke is a law student and hard to make fun of, because her bio reads so well. Crap.
• Cindy is a zookeeper who has also worked as a pet counsellor and a 'primate expedition cruise captain'. I don't know what that is but it sounds like a good night out. Her list of 'likes' is extremely specific ("Snyder's honey mustard and onion pretzel pieces") so I'm smelling a control freak.
• Danni is a sports-radio talkshow host, but looks immediately like a MODEL. And, of course, it turns out that she was one. She also competed in Miss Teen USA some years ago. Hmm, an ex-model who loves sports. Wonder if any guys will be into that?
• Gary has been garnering a bit of press cos he's an ex-NFL quarterback. This means nothing to me, but I do note that his favourite scent is pine. Looks set to fill the role of upstanding Christian father figure. And, obviously, pine lover.
• Jamie is a water-ski instructor, though quite frankly, I'm sensing MODEL. He has an identical twin (Ramie), something I find odd, as Cindy also has an identical twin (Mindy). Hmmm.
• Jim is the triple threat: he's older, a retired fire captain, and a marine. Though judging by his bio, he's miles away from redneck. Not that being an older military marine fire fighting type man automatically gives you redneck status. Heaven forbid I'd ever generalise.
• Judd is a hotel doorman who seems to be living in another era - favourite things include All in the Family, Frankenberry cereal, and Old Yeller. However, he ALSO has an identical twin brother. Cindy/Mindy, Jamie/Ramie, and Judd... Timmy. Someone's parents didn't have their rhyming dictionary handy! How hard would it have been to call him Bud? Okay, by now I'm thinking that the twin thing is no coincidence.
• Lydia is a fishmonger. There's a word you don't hear often. She seems to be the sole glimpse of obvious ethnic colour (according to her bio, she's at least half Puerto Rican - hurray!) She gets a thumbs up for owning a dwarf rabbit (?) and a thumbs down for liking Danielle Steel.
• Margaret is a nurse practitioner and also has a very hard-to-mock bio. Except that she's very clear that her fave food is pink grapefruit, but peeled and eaten like an orange.
• Morgan is a magician's assistant/waitress, so I'm interpreting that as MODEL. She feels her greatest achievement is letting her parents live vicariously through her. Yikes.
• Rafe is also an Ivy League student, but of the Nature Boy variety. Fave flower: honeysuckle. Raised a Mormon, widely travelled, outdoorsy, and socially conscious.

So here's what we should note.

1) There are three contestants who have identical twins back home (or are they...?)
2) I'm counting four models, or 25% of the total. Hmmph.
3) Everyone but Lydia looks... pale.
4) There are five people whose names start with B.
5) There are three people whose names start with J.
6) The show starts on 15 September.
7) I'm going to pick that at least Rafe, Amy, Lydia, Jim, Danni, and Brooke make it to the merge.
8) But don't bet on it. I'm always wrong about these things.

Coming soon... the contestants of The Amazing Race, and America's Next Top Model.