Meet the cast: America's Next Top Model

Having recently criticised both Miss Teen USA and the model-hiring policies of Survivor, you might think that I'm not such a fan of models. Not so! Me likey the models! I just prefer to see them in a more natural environment. Like in the bathrooms of clubs. Marrying actors. And yes, on America's Next Top Model.

So what pearls of wisdom has the UPN website got for us about the upcoming ANTM season? Not so many, as it turns out. We get some basic stats, and then have only a photo and a video clip on which to make our entirely arbitrary snap judgments prior to the start of the series. Challenging! The clips aren't a lot of help. They're all homemade, and vary in length considerably - some less than a minute long, others almost five minutes. As an added enticement, however, they do conclude with a shot of the girl in question walking in her bikini. So if that's all you want to see, you can fast-forward to the end. Or you could skip the video entirely and just read my opinions. You lazy lout.

• Ashley likes steak and mashed potatoes, and seems as no-nonsense as her favourite foods. I'm digging her straightforward attitude, and the fact that she lost 50 lbs and decided what the hell, she might as well audition for the show. Though if she did that on steak and mashed potatoes, I'd like a copy of her diet.


• Bre is from Harlem, which could send Tyra into empathy overdrive. ("You know, I fought for everything I had! And when they said my forehead was too big, I just kept putting myself out there!") Bre summarises herself thus: "you could say I'm a really old soul, because I spent a lot of my younger years growing up". Wow! Wish I'd known to grow up when I was younger. That really takes talent and determination.


• Cassandra is the shorty at only 5'7", a Texas ex-pageant girl. You can tell this in her video clip because her teeth shine like beacons. Seriously, you could guide ships with them. I'm predicting that her pageanty perkiness is going to be a potential problem for the judges. And not just because that was an alliterative sentence.


• Coryn seems poised, but suffers from an interminably dull clip, in which she addresses the camera while sitting in a dim corner, for almost two minutes. She then dons big sunglasses - yes, she's still inside - and shows us her pet chinchillas. Cool.


• Diane has a job as a criminal investigator and more or less defines "in-your-face". She's cocky, vivacious and could talk the hind leg off a mule. Her bikini shot, however, was absent from her clip - hmmm. She's the only plus size girl (read: average size).


• Ebony is confident, charming and absolutely determined that being a supermodel is her destiny. I liked her, even if she did overuse the word 'tight', as in "check out this art, it's tight, this school is pretty tight too".


• Jayla wasn't too interesting until she got into her bikini and walked. Or more accurately, stomped, in the most frighteningly defiant display of perambulation I've seen. She then described herself as a home-schooled ex-Jehovah's Witness, and also a "fornicator, who smokes and doesn't go to church". Now we're talkin'.


• Kim looks like a very pouty 15 year old boy, circa 1989, in her photo. She's hot in an androgynous way and she's not dumb. Spicy! Definitely one of the few girls whose picture jumps out at you, which could be a good or a bad thing. And nice to have a proud, politicised lesbian in the house, as opposed to the emotionally volatile, scabby Michelle from last year. Okay, I actually liked Michelle.


• Kyle has worked at Dairy Queen for three and a half years, and loves the beach and being the centre of attention. I'm sensing a Princess. A Dairy Queen Princess. I noted that she had a stuffed doll thing on a chair in her bedroom. That made me afraid. Has a voice that could grow intensely irritating after a number of hours. Or minutes.


• Lisa is one of those fiddly people who gesticulates a lot. She also made an American flag outfit for her dog. Kind of appealing in a hyperkinetic way, Lisa also let us know that she once shaved her head and looked "dope", because her head is perfectly shaped.


• Nicole only got just over a minute of air time, so I don't have much of a read on her. A little kooky, maybe, which is cute - or one of those girls who likes to think she's kooky, which is not cute.


• Nik also got a truncated video. She feels that "it's her time to shine". I think they should ban all phrases like this and make the girls find new ways to talk about themselves. Confident, but alternated this with ye olde coy act, which was a bit offputting.


• Sarah had a very hard time formulating sentences. Not a heavyweight in any sense of the word. She was asked if her lips are real, and insisted they were, as was her resemblance to Angelina Jolie. That's if she were blonde. And couldn't talk.

So... are you getting excited yet? Me too! The premiere is on 21 September - mark it in your calendars now. For the record, I'm liking Ashley, Coryn, Ebony, Jayla and Kim. I'm going to invite them all to my next birthday, and we're going to be best friends, and maybe they'll turn rope with me at recess.

Of course, this season's ANTM won't be the same without the egomaniacal braying of Janice Dickinson from the judges' table. Alas, poor Janice. We'll miss you. Still, the girls look like a fiesty bunch who won't be pushed around - they're already-fierce. Pre-fierced. And with girls like that, even Janice might not be able to browbeat them into submission.

It's going to take a pro. It's going to take Tyra.