24 Thoughts about Jack Bauer

1. A Canadian with a mullet, and the taint of Julia Roberts. I knew he was out there. I just didn’t pay attention until he showed up on television. As Jack Bauer. Now Kiefer is Jack. Jack Jack Jack.

2. When he answers the phone he says “Bauer”. Or “yeah”. He’s abrupt like that.

3. Jack is the rogue federal agent on Fox series 24. Sometimes he works for the government, sometimes against them – his allegiance is to something greater. America. Certain values. Loyalties. And CTU – the Counter Terrorist Unit – where he works, or not, depending on which season you’re watching.

4. I once spent half a day online finding and downloading the special ringtone that the CTU phones use on the show. I know what you're thinking, but I was just avoiding work. [cough*total loser*cough] Now when my cellphone goes, I can pretend that Jack’s been patched through. He’ll say “yeah”. I’ll say “Jack, it’s me”. Gruff and hurried. That’s how people talk on phones on 24.

5. Jack isn’t a big man. He still looks good in his bulletproof vest. Dark pants. Long sleeved blue-grey t-shirt. This is standard issue field ops gear on the show. He has aviator sunglasses that he wears when things really get tough. Or if he’s undercover.

6. Jack fills up a room with his menace and his frustrated erections. You can feel the straining. Against his own skin, against his government-issue trousers. He wants to get out, to be free from the trigger-happy role he’s been forced to play. Forced for a greater good, you understand. He doesn’t just do these things on a whim. Well, most of the time.

7. Jack and Kiefer share an interesting nose. It curves, slopes outward. You can see it on all the 24 DVD covers. I don’t know why they chose a profile. They both look better from the front. They have a cupid’s bow mouth. A head that seems a little too big for their bodies. Blue eyes that sometimes are bright and sometimes are flat and cold, like a fish. In Jack, these things come perfectly together. In Kiefer, I’m not sure. I don’t know Kiefer, not like I know Jack.

8. They say he’s a nice man. Kiefer. A dedicated worker. He’s been married twice. Loves his daughters. Can make the word ‘Canadian’ sound sexy, which isn't easy. He’s a rodeo champion. In interviews he laughs and can do a Scottish accent. He also got done for DUI in 2004, not his first offence. He’s rumoured to be a big drinker. There are stories of seedy bars, stumbling, stripping. He's the one that strips. There have been fights. Maybe he’s fighting Jack. In back alleys they’re slugging it out. Kiefer drinks down some darkness, and Jack takes the chance to escape.

9. On 24, the men have certain qualities. The heroic men. There is President David Palmer, who is handsome and noble. I should love Palmer, who stands for things I believe in, but I don’t. I love the men with guns. Their weapons holstered against their hips, held to their thighs, pointed into empty rooms. The sound of them reloading... I go weak. Jack and Tony do it best. Tony Almeida is another agent. The ego to Jack’s id. He’s had his own share of troubles.

10. Jack and Tony had a lot of sexual chemistry in Season Four, perhaps unintentionally. But it’s not that surprising. They’re in very intense situations together. In online 24 discussion forums, the girls were clamouring for some Tony-Jack action. Man-on-man has apparently transcended homoerotics, the girls are getting in on it. They don’t consider it gay; it’s just two hot guys performing for the pleasure of their female audience. A socio-sexual shift. The Tony and Jack effect.

11. These men are flawed, but loyal. They know who to shout at, and it’s not their girlfriends, their wives, their kids. It’s bad guys. Criminals. Whoever they’re interrogating. (“Tell me where the bomb is!”) Sometimes they’ll shout at each other. Around women, they are different. Their voices lower to intimate, sensual levels. They want to hear your opinion, they need your intelligence. They lean in, they put one hand on the wall. Sexual, but restrained. Concerned. Their bodies warm and highly trained. They’ll protect you. Shield you from bullets. And yet still respect that you, too, are a top government agent. At times, they will talk to other men in this firmly gentle way, with low, hoarse voices. Their mouths close to each other. This is how they show their friendship, their allegiance. When they're like this, I love these men. These men are the way I once dreamed men were.

12. Jack is the best at all this, because he is the most conflicted. Most of the people he loves die, so you can sympathise. When he gets emotional, his voice gets huskier. (“I love you sweetheart. I love you more than anything.”) This is probably because Kiefer is a smoker. Though Jack would never smoke. He’s already tormented enough.

13. Jack has needs. To pour out his soul in that velvet voice they share. Have his wounds bound. His frustration sated. Most of all, he has to find a place to rest his head, to catch up on all that sleep he has been missing. Before he goes out in the field again. He always goes back. Events conspire against him, you see.

14. When Jack asks “do you trust me?” you can only say yes. When Jack tells you he’ll do something, he does it. Always. Jack is Jesus in this regard. Brave, headstrong, deeply emotional. Fierce, but tender. A keeper of promises. A defender of the weak. A man who will lay down his life for his friends. Just when things look darkest for you, when you’ve given up hope, Jack turns up, taking out the bad guys and sheltering you from further harm. For part of one episode, he even had a beard. It wasn't so nice.

15. At the end of Season Three, Jack waited until he was finally alone and then he cried over his destiny. His path. His Ford Explorer a postmodern Garden of Gethsemane. In the opening credits of Season One, there was a shot of Jack resting his head against a column at CTU. A private moment of exhaustion and despair. You could tell he was tired, like Jesus. That everyone wanted a piece of him and his miracles.

16. In Season Two, 2am to 3am, Jack was strung up naked by the bad guys. I watched this one in slow motion. He had a nicer body than I expected. Not muscle-bound, not Hollywood six pack, but dependable. A 1940’s kind of body. After Jack was tortured to excess – which is only karma, considering how many people he’s tortured himself – he actually died. And the terrorists had to bring him back to life. Like Jesus, he rose from the dead, though not with quite the same spirit of forgiveness. Jack’s patriotic zeal sees him miss out on many of Jesus’s better qualities.

17. Kiefer is against the death penalty. He doesn’t believe in ‘acceptable losses’. He’s also the grandson of Tommy Douglas, the architect of Canadian socialised medicine. Facts like this make it more of a betrayal that Kiefer let Jack get out of hand. Bad Kiefer. Bad Jack.

18. In Season Four, Jack crossed the line from committed hero to something else. Kiefer has to shoulder some Executive Producer blame. The stories changed in Season Four, got repetitive and desperate. They stopped raising questions and started hammering away at polemic. Made sweeping generalisations. And they turned Jack mean. He got wanton with his violence, went from clever and instinctual to thuggish and brutal. Defended the strong instead of protecting the weak. Season Four was like being hit with a club.

19. I watched the credits. I think they lost their story editor. They should find him and pay him a fortune to come back. Jack is in peril without him. We’re all in peril.

20. When the bombs went off in the London underground, my first thoughts were of Jack. Of how CTU would be in high gear, and he’d have to come back into the field – again. Work with MI6 to get to the bottom of it. I’m not lying. This really crossed my mind. In my defence, I was recovering from surgery. I’d spent several weeks lying motionless in the living room, watching Seasons Two and Three, a recuperation bender. My head was in the 24iverse. Prior to this, I'd not given 24 much thought. [cough*total liar*cough]

21. Ah, the myth of safety, of a coherent centre. Of benevolent government organisations that make the right decisions. That review their data thoughtfully, that can make sense of things, given enough time. Given 24 hours. And even if they don’t, Jack will bail them out. Jack will go rogue again and avert the next disaster. Jack will get on the phone with presidents and prime ministers and share his opinion in his special voice. They will trust him.

22. Kiefer is already a grandfather. Technically, a step-grandfather. His first marriage was to someone with a nine year old child. Now that child has her own baby. I’m not sure I want to know this about him. He went on Ellen Degeneres’s show. Talked in the Jack voice. There's more of it here. I could listen to that voice all day. I’d want him on a desert island, just for the sound of it.

23. On Ellen, he wore a winter scarf. Which was odd. She said it was odd, and he claimed that he was camouflaging his shirt, which was dirty. None of us bought this excuse. What was he hiding? Plastic surgery scars? A hickey? Or an unsightly injury inflicted right before he attempted to flee a notorious terrorist with a ticking bomb, having been tortured after a plane crash?

24. I know the truth, Kiefer. I know about your real life. I promise I’ll keep it a secret. If you’ll just whisper for a while in my ear. I’ll call you on my cellphone. “Yeah?” “Jack, it’s me.” “I love you sweetheart, I love you more than anything.”