America's Next Top Model: more deep thoughts

***
Another classic piece of oratory to add to the ANTM annals!

After the models were asked to pose for photos demonstrating specific political points of view (ie. pro-choice vs pro-life, pro-gun vs anti-gun) they were quizzed about their photos in front of the judges. The delightfully vacant Kathleen eloquently voices her opinion:

KATHLEEN: Hi guys.

TYRA: So, Kathleen, you had to do a political issue, yours was -

KATHLEEN: Anti-fur.

TYRA: Anti-fur. How do you feel about fur?

KATHLEEN: I believe that if the animal's alive, you shouldn't kill it to make a fur coat or anything. But if it's already dead, then you could take the skin off, and just make a coat.

TYRA: How would it already be dead?

KATHLEEN: Let's just say... you know... cos animals fight each other in the jungle, right? In the woods.

TWIGGY: Unfortunately, that's not how they get fur coats.

KATHLEEN: But... animals die, like people die naturally sometimes, right?

Cue chirping crickets.

Seacrest... Not Out

***

Like some people, and I'm not naming names, but they are saying that Ryan Seacrest might be gay, but like no way! Wake up peeps! Did you not see his awesome kiss of Teri Hatcher?

And then on this week's Idol, when Ryan was backstage with the guys, and Chris Sligh said how the boys were looking pretty, and Ryan wigs out and goes Hey, I'm glad I'm not sitting with you. Fer sure! Cos you could so get converted that way.

And then later Simon called him Sweetheart and Ryan totally freaks! Well duh! Because if you are straight and someone does that it might confuse people a lot!

I so hope I cleared that up for you guys! Peace out.

24: Hot and Not

Season 6 of 24: Hot and Not!
***
Hot

• Jack's grey long-sleeved T
• The attractive Middle Eastern terrorists: I loves me some Abu Fayed!
• And don't get me started on that smouldering Hamri Al-Assad... delicious!
• No Audrey (yet)
• Half-assed public debate on civil liberties (hey, it's all Anna Nicole over on CNN)
• Morris
• Death by Jack-bite

Not

• The Russian terrorists
• Torture-palooza... again
• Any scene with Wayne Palmer
• Bring back Behrooz!
• Endearingly improbable? Or increasingly unwatchable?
• Bad guys who have 24 hours to explain their agenda, but never seem to have grievances beyond "hating America"
• More nukes - zzzzzzz. And a total lack of mass panic and/or chaotic exodus from LA
• No Aaron Pierce, Pres & Mrs Logan, Dina Araz, Tony, Michelle, Mr Eko... oh, wait...

The Apprentice: homophobe edition

***
How We Know That The Donald Is Not Gay Based Partly On Last Night's Episode

1. Likes to look at models in bikinis.
2. Rewards successful businesswomen with trips to Playboy mansion.
3. Likes to look at Playboy bunnies in bikinis.
4. Won't touch folded mens' bathing suit to better avoid gay germs.
5. Professes ignorance of gay clothing market.
6. Hates Rosie O'Donnell, ergo must be straight.
7. Miss USA!
8. Pink for a tie: manly. Pink below the waist: nuh-uh.
9. Presumably okayed extreme close-ups of hooters.
10. No gay man would have that hair.

The Biggest Loser Finale haiku

***

Fatties to skinnies
That's nice. But who was running
the live broadcast show?

So messy! Oscars:
you have nothing to fear from
this bunch of Losers.

Caroline Rhea shrieked
and some adipose tissue
fled from sheer terror.

Things That Make You Go Hmm...

***
1. The Cho's on TAR, Yul on Survivor, Hiro on Heroes - are charismatic Asians the new Black?
2. Channel surf to CNN. Are there ads on? Yeah, thought so.
3. Given up watching Studio 60 yet?
4. Find Tyra's curly hair on this season's ANTM alarming?
5. Find it more alarming than other seasons?
6. Surprised by how much you're enjoying Sally Field and Calista Flockhart?
7. Despite their being in the same show?
8. You should know: Katie Holmes is an anagram of "Hi - see 'mo talk".
9. Is My Name is Earl starting to grate on you?
10. When did poker become a TV sport?

Shrewish Fishwives

At the start of this season of Desperate Housewives, I felt a glimmer of hope.

No more.

Let's be clear: I don't need to be best friends with them. They don't need to be likeable. But do they need to be so unwatchable? Mon dieu, how my eyes hurt each Sunday night. Lynette's relentless pussy whipping. Bree's uptight social maneuvering. Susan's klutzy pre-pubescent angst. Gaby's one-note performance as the vengeful sex kitten.

Somewhere, in the distant past, I vaguely remember this series being about suburban neurosis, buried secrets, the surprising lives lived behind closed doors. All that, and funny.

Ah, the good old days.

Now it's a showcase of unbearable female stereotypes, some kind of 50's throwback to an imagined world of conniving shrews and grasping harpies. Only one woman has a recognisable career. Shopping is treated like a job. Throw Edie and Nora into the mix, and you have four characters who fighting each other for men. Men, I might add, that don't even begin to rate on the Attractiveness Scale. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. Note to producers: if you're going for shallow, then at least give us some eye candy. Do you really think that Dougray Scott's accent is blinding us? And Kyle MacLachlan? And Kyle MacLachlan's hair?

Oh, it all seemed like haute camp in the old days. Back when we were young and eager to consume anything bright and cheerful and amusing on the Television.

Lately... not so much. I might have to find something else to amuse myself during their timeslot. Perhaps a little pie-baking. Scheming. Cross-stitch. Spying on my neighbour. Come on - I'm a gal. I can't help myself.

NBC Wednesday night haiku

30 Rock

I'll admit I had
low expectations. But fie!
And Fey! How I laughed.


20 Good Years

Lithgow and Tambor
What could go wrong? Here's a hint.
*cough* bad laughtrack *cough*

Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay

Dear Oprah

It's been a while since I wrote to you. How have you been?

I've been great. All the better for seeing your show yesterday about aging. It's just so awesome how you empower women all around the world to be their authentic selves.

Nora Ephron and Diahann Carroll so totally did not look like they were the ages they said they were! At first I thought it was because of some of the anti-aging secrets you promised you would give us, but it turned out they'd had lots of cosmetic procedures. Though Nora had a cool tip: colour your hair. Oh yeah, and when Diahann Carroll looked at the camera and said "this is what 71 looks like" I was soooo inspired. To get surgery!

Geena Davis just looked botoxed, which is also smart because it limits the facial expressions you have to come up with as an actor. Thinking up faces must be tough! And it would cause stress, and I think that ages you too.

And then women from the audience had questions about getting older, but because they were actual concerns about real person aging, not celebrity aging, you would just shriek and point at the doctor guest. The doctor wasn't even allowed to sit on the stage, which I totally understood, because she just looked like a regular older woman, and she wasn't a hero like Diahann and Nora and Geena. She was just a doctor and a women's health advocate. Anyway, her answers were like, so practical and gross, and you really nailed it when she started talking about vaginas and you screamed and called it your va-jay-jay instead. Hilarious!

When I want to hear about the challenges of getting older, I totally know to count on you, Oprah. Like the other day my grandmother tried to talk to me about her life and stuff, but oh my god, you should see her, she is soooo wrinkled. I said that getting older is about looking younger and being confident and sexy, and if she can't deal, she should watch you and learn. I said 'once you're all smooth and can't move your face, get back to me'. LOL!

Anyway, that's all I wrote to say. You so rock for showing us great examples of older women that we can aspire to look like. And also, there's nothing more fun than watching you and Gayle on that cross-country adventure! You drive the car and everything! It's like you're normal!

Okay I gotta go now. Peace out, and keep on making TV that matters!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Your Biggest Fan

Studio 60: Twenty Questions

***

1. After the first episode, did you tell all your friends to watch it?
2. After the second episode, did your friends give you funny looks?
3. Pleasantly surprised by Matthew Perry?
4. Anyone feel browbeaten yet?
5. Or guilty for not liking it that much?
6. Gilbert and Sullivan: cutting edge 21st century comedy?
7. Hey kids - heard of Gilbert and Sullivan?
8. If they talk about the 'Crazy Christians' sketch enough, will we eventually feel like we saw it?
9. Does anyone still watch Saturday Night Live?
10. When The Daily Show and Colbert do it all so much better?
11. If SNL featured a commedia dell'arte skit would you change your mind?
12. Do literary allusions really make TV smarter?
13. Does Amanda Peet make TV smarter?
14. Tom Cruise impersonation: the highlight of this week?
15. Drama about comedy: workable?
16. Comedy about drama: much more entertaining?
17. Are network heads really this cooperative?
18. Rather watch subversive television?
19. Or be told by characters that television should be more subversive?
20. Anyone miss Arrested Development?

Recipe for "Men in Trees"

Something bland and warm for those long winter nights...

- 1 part unlikeable lead actress (look for over-ripe Heches without bruising)
- 5 cups Alaska cliche (esp. eccentric woodsmen, pilots)
- 1 love interest in fisherman's sweater (turtleneck acceptable substitute)
- 1 soiled wedding dress
- 1 atypical raccoon
- 1 hooker-with-heart-of-Yukon-gold

Mix well, adding wet ingredients to dry. Bake in lukewarm oven until pudding-like consistency with over-puffed top. Consume immediately - will deflate within minutes.

Serve with warm memories of Northern Exposure (for those fond of drawing comparisons, an entirely different dish).

Summer Sloth haiku

Blogs? High maintenance!
(And mine is such a diva.)
We're having Time Out.

Teletart tantrums
will resume in the autumn
or sooner: stay tuned!

PS. The Canada's Next Top Model finale really sucked, didn't it?
PPS. But Hell's Kitchen has been jolly good fun.
PPPS. This part isn't a haiku.

The Hills

(a fun singalong for the whole family!)

The Hills are alive with the sound of LC
With songs from her phone, and with Heidi's whine
The Hills fills my heart, cos it's far superior
Laguna and Kristin? In swift decline.

My heart wants to beat like the wings of the bird-like girls
who waft through Teen Vogue
My heart wants to sigh like the OC guys
O! Jason's a rogue!
To walk like he does on the toes of his feet
in an ape-like style
To sing through the night
like a new intern's zoom-whitened smile

I go to The Hills when my heart is lonely
I know I will hear what I've heard before
I will eat lots and drink, while I watch rich white chicks
And I'll sin once more

O! Canada's Next Top Model

***
If there's one thing that McDonalds has taught us - apart from the need to avoid their food - it's how to run a franchise. Lesson One: it's all about repeatability. No matter where in the world you are, you can walk through the Golden Arches and feel right at home. Stuff looks the same. It smells the same. And apart from some regional menu changes (McBeer) it tastes the same.

Which brings us to Canada's Next Top Model. Surely the franchise couldn't fail to thrive up here in The North! We like reality shows! We like models! We've been watching Queen Tyra command her subjects for years - so bring on the regional menu changes and let's get fierce!

Oh, but alas and woe is us. Because unlike Canadian Idol, where the show faithfully reproduces the feel of the American version (but with quirkier talent and less homophobia), the Canadian attempt at Top Model is barely an imitation. It's more of a limp facsimile of the idea of an imitation. Alas again, and fie on you, CityTV!

So where do things go wrong? For one, we've apparently failed to grasp the concept of lighting. I'm no expert, but I think that simply pointing a camera at people outside in bright sunlight is likely to result in a special Holiday-Video-That-Uncle-Steve-Took-With-His-New-Panasonic ambiance. Which is fine for Uncle Steve, but not so great for broadcast television. Ditto on the sound, with parts of the dialogue swallowed up by technical issues I couldn't quite identify. Faulty microphones? Some kind of wiring mishap? A mumbling epidemic?

When they're not outside, supposedly highlighting the beauties of British Columbia, our models are mostly shot a) inside their house and/or b) at photo shoots in very dark rooms with disco lights. The former is the part of the show that works the best and feels most polished - though why the girls don't do their to-camera confessionals against the standard Top Model backdrop is still a mystery. Instead they are filmed wherever they happen to be at the time - mostly standing in front of white walls. It's a sorta high-school yearbook vibe. As for the latter... well, let's hope the ladies get out of the dark warehouses and into some more interesting locations for their photo shoots. At least take the disco lights down.

It's tempting to blame the crew for little things like lighting, sound and locations, largely because you will see their names in the credits linked to the aforementioned specialties. But I suspect that the issue is more basic than that - it's money. If you haven't got the money for what you need (ref. the cruddy yahoo-hosted website) - or if you're covering more than one job - or if the budget doesn't stretch to luxuries like, oh, shooting with proper lights and microphones... then what can ya do?

As for the judges... hmmm. We're lacking the manly eye candy that Nigel Barker gave to ANTM - CityTV take note! At its best, ANTM felt like a great night out - a bit o' backstabbing and bitchiness, some bonding with your gal-pals, hysterical fun with your gay male friends, and a good ogle of the straight men on offer. Canada's Next Top Model gets the bitchy part right, and we're drowning in gayness - but where's the rest of it? Waaaahhhhh!

Perhaps most significantly - and okay, it's early days, so maybe I should give the show a chance - Canada's Next Top Model lacks any real heart. Love her or hate her, Queen Tyra has warmth. Even if it's manufactured. Even if it requires that we hear tales of her difficult childhood (the big forehead! the taunts!) She's like some Amazonian babysitter - you have to do what she says, but if you're good, she'll make you hot cocoa and tell you about her boyfriend. This, more than anything, contributes to the fun fiesta that is ANTM - but up here in Canada, it's just not the same. Is it us? Are we really more reserved and cerebral?

It doesn't help that host Tricia Helfer - bless her Galactica heart - is a cool customer. She's less babysitter, and more hip-friend-of-your-parents. She might ask you how school is going, but you suspect she's not really interested in the answer. In the real world, I'd take Tricia over Tyra. On the television... yeah. It has to be Miss Thang.

And did I say that CNTM is mean? Somewhere along the line, someone has confused conflict, essential to any drama, with unpleasantness. I know, I know - ANTM isn't perfect. But let's look at the big picture, and entertain a little primer re some differences:

CONFLICT on ANTM
- ANTM 2: Shandi cheats on her boyfriend and makes sobbing confession to him on the phone.
- ANTM 4: Michelle gets a creeping skin disease and admits to bisexuality.
- ANTM 5: Sarah crushes on Kim and feels guilty.
- ANTM 5: Cassandra refuses to have her hair cut shorter and walks off the show.
- ANTM 6: Danielle is mad that they want to fix her teeth.

UNPLEASANTNESS on CNTM
- The judges point out stick-thin Andrea's hairy arms (hmm, what is this kind of hair growth a symptom of?) She insists that the hair only grew because she's often cold; everyone seems fine with this.
- Natalie (left) is told she is fat and she worries about losing weight; everyone seems fine with this.
- In Episode One, in an obviously calculated let's-make-the-models-argue moment, an 'expert model scout' announces that Heather already looks like the clear winner; everyone seems fine with this.

O! Canada's Next Top Model... you've got it all wrong. You don't just drop crumbs and hope the girls will pick them up. Quite frankly, that's what's supposed to go on behind the scenes. Sure, we suspect that what we don't see on reality TV is unpleasant, but we don't want those suspicions confirmed.

Serve up the drama pre-digested, with the nasty stuff gone and the nice conflict-y flavour left! Trust me - as viewers, we only want to watch the aftermath - like the whispered debates about Andrea's eating issues, or Natalie breaking down and being built up by a sisterly Tricia ("you're fine just the way you are, and I was once teased for my scary racoon eyes etc.") Or Heather reaching her own conclusion about being the clear winner and the resentment that inspires. Hint: if you have any of those things on tape, it'd be real great to see 'em.

Ever the optimist and/or masochist, I'll keep watching. Things could turn around. You never know. The second episode was better than the premiere, so that's something to hold onto. Maybe the show will hit its stride, find its groove and get it right. And maybe the lights will finally go on - for the girls, for the set, and for the series.

For the sake of our national imitative-reality-show pride - here's hoping.

Farewill and grace

***
How I Knew The Final Ever Episode of Will and Grace Was Going to Disappoint Me, As All Finales Generally Do, Though I Really Had High Hopes for This One but Never Mind

1. Grace frequently used her quiet voice = serious emotions
2. Jack and Karen had a dumbass story
3. Jack and Karen sang a duet for real
4. Flash forwards: not once, but twice!
5. Unfunny dream sequence with fat jokes
6. Lots of "look, I'm old!" makeup
7. Pre-show retrospective was great; special TV law of physics means next hour will be crap
8. Will ended up with Vince instead of Taye Diggs
9. Hokey plan concocted to get estranged friends talking again: yikes
10. Plan involved man in hospital bed in head to toe bandages with leg up in hoist thing that I have never seen in a real hospital: double yikes

Quotable Quotes from Survivor Exile Island

***
From last night's post-finale reunion show, here's Terry, speaking of his physical rivalry with Aras:

"We were two mature guys, strapping it on and making it happen."

Ah, lovely. I would have paid to seen the footage.

CNN: spin the bottle

A fun game to play with your friends!

1. Appoint a random time at which to turn on CNN.

2. If one of the following is on air, score ten (10) points:

a) Nancy Grace drawling/emoting about an abducted child
b) Larry King interviewing a celebrity*
c) Anderson Cooper talking about Texas polygamist Warren Jeffs

*celebrity is defined as anyone who carries little to no weight in the world of politics, economics and/or foreign policy; torrid past, addiction issues and botox optional

3. If none of the above is on the air, congratulations! You have found a hidden CNN minute of actual news coverage!

David Blaine haiku

O! Mr D. Blaine
soggy and liver-damaged:
sorry I missed you.

The thing is that you
clashed with my fave shows on FOX.
Good luck drying out.

This Week's TV Peeves

Things on the Telly-vision That Are Making Me Nutso:

***
1. Survivor
One more game involving clay targets, and I may go mental. Yeah, I understand about preserving your brand, staying true to your format. But come on. Guys. We're lapsing into unconsciousness over here. I dare you - shock me. Invent a game using things we've never seen. Snakes, bondage gear, pineapples... I'm not fussy. And here's a tip - challenges requiring upper body strength are going to be won by men. I'm just saying.

2. America's Next Top Model
The last two weeks of this show have been responsible for more teeth-grinding and shrieking in my house than a whole season of Deal or No Deal. What happened to the usual perky, positive, girl-power message of ANTM? To wit:

a) Whose idea was it to have the girls cruelly critiqued by an 'agent' (later revealed as an actor) to see if they could handle themselves under pressure? It was cringe-ingly, crushingly awful - a transcript of the internal monologue we feed girls on a daily basis. You're too mannish, your nose is too big, your skin is awful... Whaddup with that, ANTM? How is this EVEN REMOTELY USEFUL for your viewers? Unless your Evil Master Plan is to make all gals feel so bad about themselves that they become a captive, Stepford-like audience, lulled into passivity by Tyra and her fierceness and her increasingly alarming hairstyles. In that case, you may be onto the right track.

b) Danielle's teeth. Oh mon dieu. This one had me howling at the television. Leave the girl alone, for god's sake! She's adorable! Her gap is SEXY! She is totally comfortable with herself, but instead of celebrating this refreshing fact, you're going to strong-arm her into dental work. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Sadly, neither Danielle, nor any of the judges, nor Nasty Tyra could seem to see the distinction between a refusal to cut one's hair (ref. a fistful of previous seasons) and a lack of enthusiasm for permanently altering one's charming signature smile. This, despite Tyra's informing us ad nauseum of her own peculiarities (the large forehead, the lightbulb head) and how she turned them into assets. Apparently, this is only a technique for Tyra - everyone else goes straight under the knife. The whole issue made me loathe Tyra and the producers with a special kind of ferocity. Had I a catwalk, I would have slayed them with my fierceness.

3. Prison Break
Here's what I have discovered about this show: prisoners are interesting. You know what's not so interesting? Conspiracy plots involving the government, special agents with guns, and lawyers trying to accumulate evidence. I can get all that an hour later on 24. Less of the intrigue, and more of Michael tongue-diving the doctor. Are you listening, Fox? Good.

4. The Apprentice
One Trump child - good. Two Trump children - creepy.

5. ABC
Any more screwing around with the Lost schedule, and I'm pulling out the big guns. I mean it. Just stop it. Put new episodes on. Behave yourselves. Because I've got a slingshot and some clay targets, and I'm not afraid to use them.

The Apprentice Not-Drinking Game

***
In the spirit of Mr Trump and conspicuous consumption, here's a fun game for you to play at home!

First, gather round a small but elite group of your friends. Then prepare several platters of expensive truffles, carelessly heap some caviar on your best crackers, and break out the endangered species you've been saving for a special occasion.

Eat one hors d'oeuvre whenever:

• George or Carolyn is replaced for an episode
• The Donald refers to Lenny being a) Russian or b) a comedian
• The Donald refers to Tarek being a Mensa member
• Lee is absent for religious reasons
• Andrea brings up her personal wealth and how it makes her a superior person
• You suspect Andrea is actually a cyborg
• Charmaine is partly responsible for a loss but isn't brought into the final boardroom
• Trumpy says "IN-DUST-ree"

Eat two hors d'oeuvre whenever:

• Robin leaves her desk
• The Donald asserts his heterosexuality by commenting on the physical assets of one of the women
• Tammy's eyebrows annoy you
• A female contestant spoons with Sean
• You secretly wish they'd kept Brent on because at least he was interesting
• You secretly think about trying Brent's bagel diet
• You remember that Leslie is still on the show

Cram a handful of 'em right in if:

• The Donald dances
• A male contestant spoons with Sean